Chicago Bound

Me: What about the architectural tour on the boat?
M:Oh, I have done that before.
Me: Would you want to do it again?
M: It was really interesting, is that what you mean?
Me: I meant "would you want to do it again?" meaning I would like to do that while we are there. I love the water and the boat tours typically.
M: I would do it if the weather was nice, and Jane and Ric want to do it.
Me: Hmmmmm....well, I would really like to see the Impressionist collection at the museum, and I guess that is the only thing I have my heart set on.
M: Do you even know if it is there?
Me: No, but even if they have loaned it out in it's entirety....I think I would still enjoy the art museum.
M: (Sighs) Can you go by yourself? (long pause) I am kidding, honey.
Me: You know, come to think of it, one of my fondest memories is going to MOMA by myself.
M: What do you mean by that?
Me: I mean, when I look back on my life, I have a very fond memory of spending TWO DAYS BY MYSELF AT MOMA IN NEW YORK CITY!
M: Oh. Okay.

Costume Malarkey Part Three

R: Mom, I don't want to be a Pink Power Ranger. That costume makes my legs look skinny. I want to be something like a girl costume.
Me: The Pink Power Ranger is a girl costume. I really like it. And remember, we have some pink boots that looks so cute with it!
R: I don't even like those boots. (Fake cries)
Me: Honey, it is way too late in the game to change your mind now. You look great in that costume. I practically think you are the REAL PINK POWER RANGER when you are wearing it, sweetie, don't cry.
R: What game are you talking about, Mom?
Me: I just mean it is too late now to change.
R: (Cries inconsolably)
Me: Listen, you could be an NBA player before the dress code?
R: (Keeps crying)
Me: Listen, I don't have any ideas. Can you wear something from your dress up box?
R: I wanna be Queen Esther.
Me: Like from the Bible?
R: Remember, I was Queen Esther at Temple Sinai preschool.
Me: Okay. Well, I am sure I can find that costume.
R: I want to wear my flowered turtleneck under it and wear the Pink Power Ranger boooooots.
Me: That sounds like a great idea!
R: I want to wear a crown.
Me: Okay. I know where a crown is.
R: I want to wear the soshanial make up that B has.
Me: Wha?

Costume Malarkey Part Two

F: Mom, this will be my fourth year being Slim Jim and I have decided it's time to move on.
Me: You are leaving for the party in 20 minutes. Too late.
F: No, it's not, we can go to Party City on the way.
Me: Your father, not known for his overall spontaneity will not go for it. But if he did, what costume are you looking at?
F: The Ghostbuster dude. It's an inflatable costume.
Me: Wow.
F: It is only forty bucks! Please, Mom!
Me: Forty bucks! How much did we pay for Slim Jim?
F: I have already worn it THREE TIMES!
Me: Well, we don't have time now.
F: I really don't want to be Slim Jim again....please...Mom....call Dad....tell him we are running late.
Me: No way. Listen, why don't you be an NBA player before the dress code! You can wear my afro! Ben Wallace before the Dress Code! I have a Texas Rangers jacket that is so funny--and a pimp hat!
F: Mom, are you aware the Texas Rangers are a baseball team? They were owned by George Bush. Also, Mom, the pimp hat and boa of yours were trashed before you made it back from New Orleans....
Me: Hey, how about wear that and put a fake TV on your head?
F: Mom, stop it. Listen to me. I had a dream where I was the Ghostbuster dude. I think that it is part of my overall fate and destiny to wear a Ghostbuster costume. This year, Mom. This year when you make a short trip to Party City with your only son.
Me: Well, what about being a Ghostbuster next year? We can buy the costume on the cheap on Tuesday!
F: You are impossible!
Me: There is no way to go tonight. Unless you can get your dad to take you. But maybe before Monday....
F: Where is that Ranger's jacket? And why don't you wear it?

The Costume Malarkey

B: (high and strident tone) Mom, remember the professional white make up we had before?
Me: I have no recollection of anything like that....what is wrong with that stuff from Target?
B: MOM! THIS STUFF IS NOT WORKING! I LOOKED UP SALLY'S PICTURE ON THE INTERNET AND IT IS NOT WHITE LIKE THIS!! HER FACE IS FLAWLESSLY WHITE!
Me: Calm down. That looks fine. I mean, Sally is a cartoon character, from a movie, and obviously does not have normal skin to show through the make up.
B: You have no idea what I am talking about.
Me: Uh, you mean "professional" make up?
B: Yes! Where is it?
Me: I don't know what you are talking about. Please don't yell.
B: Did you even look at the picture of Sally on the movie case?
Mom: Of course, I did. That's is how I managed to find the Oh So PerFect Costume for you.
B: Oh, Mom. That is so sad. All of the Sally costumes are the same!
Me: Really, they are not but I did look. And I put some of my boots that look like her boots in the bottom of your closet .
B: Oh, Mom. I already looked through your closet and didnt find anything that laced up like hers!
Me: I put some perfect ones in your room. Don't thank me now, Child.
B: I totally trashed your closet. You have every heel height of boot and short, tall, weird boots that no one would ever wear, except on Halloween, of course.
Me: Bingo. I got Emma Peel, I got Sally, I got Storm...I got Laura Ingalls..Foxxy Cleopatra....
BK : Please....

Beans Beans

CG: What kind of beans do you want with that?
Me: Hmmmm...I just think I want the pinto beans please.
CG: You don't want the black beans?
Me: No, thanks.
CG: We got the whole or the refried pinto beans.
Me: Hmmmm...I think I want the whole beans....
CG: Whole pinto or black whole?
Me: I dont want the black whole, (snicker) I want the whole pinto beans.
CG: No one else got that today, ma'am.
Me: Oh. Does that mean you don't recommend them or what?
CG: They are my favorite! Are you kidding me?
Me: Okay, then.
(Later...)
CG: Tostada with refried black beans!
Me: Hey, I thought it was supposed to be pinto beans.....?
CG: I was just trying to make you smile. I thought you would know it was a joke because we had talked about it for so long. (Smiles, reveals gold tooth)
Me: Don't joke around about food! Got it?

Ree Vorced

R: Mama, when you get married again, how come they call it remarried?
Me: "Re" means to do something again--like we say "repeat"....
R: Repeat! But what does peat mean?
Me: I see your point. I would have to see a dictionary to see where that "peat" came from!
R: I just want to tell you one thing, Mom.
Me: What's that?
R: Don't ever get reevorced.
Me: I think that is a good idea!
R: Tell M!
Me: Okay.

What are You Doing?

Me: Hello, this is Laura
TD: Hey, Laura its me! TD!
Me: What's up man?
TD: I am on a stake out. We had a shoot out with this guy a few weeks ago, and now we heard he is in this building--so we put some spikes in his tires and are waiting for him to come out.
Me: WOW! Do you have on your vest?
TD: Naw, but I got it with me.
Me: It doesnt work on the seat!
TD: Dont worry. Hey, what else is going on? Any new stories?
Me: I think you need to be paying attention to what you are doing and not calling me.
TD: I know, but I put spikes in his tires. He cant go anywhere.
Me: Oh. Well, what else is going on?
TD: Just a lot of crack heads, going in and out.
Me: Oh, okay. Well, I am nervous about the vest.
TD: (Cranky) Listen....

Gee You In?

Me: Oh, we need to go back up to the counter to put cream and sugar in our coffee...
AN: Well, I dont want to carry my damn purse up there.
Me: Just leave it. No one will take it.
AN: It has my Gee You In in it! If my Gee You In gets stolen, I will lose my damn Jay Oh Bee.
Me: Okay, I will bring the cream and sugar over here and you can do your own and guard your Gee You In!
AN: Youre just jealous, because you dont have a Gee You In.
Me: True. Hang on.
AN: Dont feel bad. Dont get caught moving the cream and sugar.
Me: You can shoot the guy if he gives us any guff.......

Five Year Old Angst

R: Mama, how many more years you got than I got?
Me: Are you asking me how much older I am than you are?
R: No, I wanna know how many more years you got than I got!
Me: Thirty four or so.
R: Does that mean that you gonna die in 34 more years?
Me: No. It does not necessarily mean that. It does not necessarily mean that I am going to die 34 years before you do either. You could live a very long time. We just don't know!
R: But probably, right?
Me: Probably what?
R: Probably you gonna die before me!
Me: YES! YES! We hope that is how it works! That is the way it is supposed to work.
R: Then what?
Me: Good question!

This is me and that is M's nose and top of head. We are trying to keep him as anonymous as possible  

teenage girl conversations

A: You have black lips!
B: I do? Is it marker or lipstick or what?
A: Neither, you just have black lips....
B: What? What are black lips from? What are you saying?
A: Your lips are like a black person's lips...(A is AA or black, depending on who says it. )
B: Oh, you mean big lips! Yeah. I have really big ones. My dad does too. My mom and my brother have perfect lips.
Me: We do not!
B: and R (her little sister) has cleft lip!